Good Serial TV, u must watch this!! gue juga tau ini film dari Siska sih Hahaha, thankyou sis, lo udah kasih gue 1 recomended film yang menurut gue bagus banget...
Selasa, 20 Februari 2018
Senin, 19 Februari 2018
you think i am okay?
why is this so hard? hahah, this is so sick. like why is this so hard just say it.
I'm not doing great, in fact I can't remember the last time I felt this bad.
I think I'm having, I think I'm going through why is this so hard.
I think I'm going through another depressive episode, why am i getting so emotional?
like nothing is happened. literally overnight, I went from being completly fine to feeling.
REALLY REALLY REALLY LOW.
Out of nowhere, and.. I it's not I'm not sad. I know it's not just being sad, bcz..
coz nothing in my life, has happened for me to be sad.
like.. my life is good, nothing bad has happened, there's nothing that's changed, in the last 2 days
That's caused me to feel this way, and I recognize these feelings, these feelings are the feelings I had when back when i was really.. really depressed, and it scares me.
and I always there was always that fear in the back of my head, that would it come back.
but, I guess I just wasn't prepared for it, I don't feel good about myself.
I feel really unconfident.. Let's say emmm, i dont wanna show myself to the world :)
It's almost like a switch has gone off in my head. and.. it's just.. i think so low about myself,
and I don't know where it comes from. and I know it's just in my head, and I know that I sound really crazy right now. but this is how I feel, like I'm always on the brink of crying.
I'm always really emotional. I DON'T KNOW WHY!! DON'T ASK ME JUN, PLEASE!!
Literally 3 days ago i was fine, and witch, makes me sound so crazy.
and the sad thing is.. I know exactly what I'm feeling, Cuz i've been through this before.
Uhh, if I need to fix this, I need to fix it myself for me, and I don't know how to do that.
Uhmm, you know I hear words in my social media chat sometimes like.."Oh! you're so inspirational"
"Oh! you're a good rolemodel" and I think that's why i make this article.
Because, as much as that is incredibly flattering and thankyou for feeling that way. Uhmm..
I can't help in my brain, read that. and feel pressure. I read that and I think "Okay, I need to be someone worth being a rolomodel" I need to be like up here, so that I can justify people feeling that way about me.
and sometimes I don't feel up here, sometimes I feel really down here. and i feel like i can't live up to that.. standart.. and I don't know what forcing me to be a certain way.. and that it's me there's putting that pressure on myself. but.. you know what I'm not.. Okay
I'm not doing great, and it sucks. i hate myself all the time.
you know what, this is the reality of having mental healt issues, this is how you feel sometimes
I don't even know what to say, other than.. this is how i feel right now and i don't feel very good.
I just feel like i wanna hide, I just wanna hide.
I want to stay in bed/sofa all day, and i wanna hide away from the world.
It's like.. this feeling, if i'm to describe this feeling, it's a.. it's like.. this.. sinking feeling inside
and it's just way me down. and it's just like this sad sinking feeling that eats away at you all day.
no matter what you do to distract yourself, the feeling always comes back. and it's just eats away of you. and makes you feel so.. small
A week ago i was this happy, confident, like i was so passionated, i was happy, i was loving life, and now it's just flipped. like that. and it's just controls your life like that. uhm.. and i realise when i'm saying that i sound crazy. cause if you don't have mental health issues you're not gonna get it and it does sounds crazy i know.. and i was not expecting like if you said a week ago i'd feel like this i would say. like i'd say no.
I don't know..
this is just like i'm just a mess.. okay
I think.. anyway I think i've done enough sad on blog. and I'm gonna go.
I don't know what the point of this article.
I'm so all over the place.. anyway Uhmm
Yep.. this is real life.. this is me being honest, and i'm probably gonna regret putting this on the internet, cuz what is on the internet is there for life..bu yeaa.. okay bye :)
I'm not doing great, in fact I can't remember the last time I felt this bad.
I think I'm having, I think I'm going through why is this so hard.
I think I'm going through another depressive episode, why am i getting so emotional?
like nothing is happened. literally overnight, I went from being completly fine to feeling.
REALLY REALLY REALLY LOW.
Out of nowhere, and.. I it's not I'm not sad. I know it's not just being sad, bcz..
coz nothing in my life, has happened for me to be sad.
like.. my life is good, nothing bad has happened, there's nothing that's changed, in the last 2 days
That's caused me to feel this way, and I recognize these feelings, these feelings are the feelings I had when back when i was really.. really depressed, and it scares me.
and I always there was always that fear in the back of my head, that would it come back.
but, I guess I just wasn't prepared for it, I don't feel good about myself.
I feel really unconfident.. Let's say emmm, i dont wanna show myself to the world :)
It's almost like a switch has gone off in my head. and.. it's just.. i think so low about myself,
and I don't know where it comes from. and I know it's just in my head, and I know that I sound really crazy right now. but this is how I feel, like I'm always on the brink of crying.
I'm always really emotional. I DON'T KNOW WHY!! DON'T ASK ME JUN, PLEASE!!
Literally 3 days ago i was fine, and witch, makes me sound so crazy.
and the sad thing is.. I know exactly what I'm feeling, Cuz i've been through this before.
Uhh, if I need to fix this, I need to fix it myself for me, and I don't know how to do that.
Uhmm, you know I hear words in my social media chat sometimes like.."Oh! you're so inspirational"
"Oh! you're a good rolemodel" and I think that's why i make this article.
Because, as much as that is incredibly flattering and thankyou for feeling that way. Uhmm..
I can't help in my brain, read that. and feel pressure. I read that and I think "Okay, I need to be someone worth being a rolomodel" I need to be like up here, so that I can justify people feeling that way about me.
and sometimes I don't feel up here, sometimes I feel really down here. and i feel like i can't live up to that.. standart.. and I don't know what forcing me to be a certain way.. and that it's me there's putting that pressure on myself. but.. you know what I'm not.. Okay
I'm not doing great, and it sucks. i hate myself all the time.
you know what, this is the reality of having mental healt issues, this is how you feel sometimes
I don't even know what to say, other than.. this is how i feel right now and i don't feel very good.
I just feel like i wanna hide, I just wanna hide.
I want to stay in bed/sofa all day, and i wanna hide away from the world.
It's like.. this feeling, if i'm to describe this feeling, it's a.. it's like.. this.. sinking feeling inside
and it's just way me down. and it's just like this sad sinking feeling that eats away at you all day.
no matter what you do to distract yourself, the feeling always comes back. and it's just eats away of you. and makes you feel so.. small
A week ago i was this happy, confident, like i was so passionated, i was happy, i was loving life, and now it's just flipped. like that. and it's just controls your life like that. uhm.. and i realise when i'm saying that i sound crazy. cause if you don't have mental health issues you're not gonna get it and it does sounds crazy i know.. and i was not expecting like if you said a week ago i'd feel like this i would say. like i'd say no.
I don't know..
this is just like i'm just a mess.. okay
I think.. anyway I think i've done enough sad on blog. and I'm gonna go.
I don't know what the point of this article.
I'm so all over the place.. anyway Uhmm
Yep.. this is real life.. this is me being honest, and i'm probably gonna regret putting this on the internet, cuz what is on the internet is there for life..bu yeaa.. okay bye :)
Jumat, 16 Februari 2018
*Sick Boy*
It's not that I dont want to be happy. It's a despite, how hard I try I can't bring myself to be happy.
I feel, suffocated,embarassed,ashamed, why did I have to be this way?
I've great friends, amazing couple. good academic results. on paper everything is okay.
Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey. It's like there's burden on me, pulling me to the ground. and however hard you try you can't bring myself out. I can't bring myself to care about anything, not me not him not her, living has become the constant nightmare, and it's just not fair.
society will tell me to try playing a game, go for a walk, listen to meditation. I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or meditation. It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life, my work, my relationship, my education. and to this day, despite my best efforts to explain. I am always met with blind hesitation.
Junia ask me "why are you always so sad?" I tell her I don't know, I don't know.
what I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolutely shit, and that's become my norm.
I'm afraid of the world, I am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control.
Where's the fairness of it all? do u think I like to watch myself fall? in this hole of self hate, shame and loathe? so I hide them. and I put up a wall. That's so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws. I create this character and he is perfect, he is invincible.
and so I carry on live these 2 lives. 1 for the public, and 1 just for me late at night.
Cos that's easier than admitting u have a problem, and that's the problem.
The stigma is real people, and it will not go away until we realise that mental health is a big deal.
It's a hidden disease that's affecting to many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries.
It's a kid that never speaks, or the guy who's always tired, the woman who's too emotional, the guy who just got fired. cos he was absent a lot, he couldn't get out of bed to his mental health but do u think any of his colleagues knew that? course not.
Depression is the hell inside of me and it eats me up daily :)
I feel, suffocated,embarassed,ashamed, why did I have to be this way?
I've great friends, amazing couple. good academic results. on paper everything is okay.
Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey. It's like there's burden on me, pulling me to the ground. and however hard you try you can't bring myself out. I can't bring myself to care about anything, not me not him not her, living has become the constant nightmare, and it's just not fair.
society will tell me to try playing a game, go for a walk, listen to meditation. I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or meditation. It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life, my work, my relationship, my education. and to this day, despite my best efforts to explain. I am always met with blind hesitation.
Junia ask me "why are you always so sad?" I tell her I don't know, I don't know.
what I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolutely shit, and that's become my norm.
I'm afraid of the world, I am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control.
Where's the fairness of it all? do u think I like to watch myself fall? in this hole of self hate, shame and loathe? so I hide them. and I put up a wall. That's so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws. I create this character and he is perfect, he is invincible.
and so I carry on live these 2 lives. 1 for the public, and 1 just for me late at night.
Cos that's easier than admitting u have a problem, and that's the problem.
The stigma is real people, and it will not go away until we realise that mental health is a big deal.
It's a hidden disease that's affecting to many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries.
It's a kid that never speaks, or the guy who's always tired, the woman who's too emotional, the guy who just got fired. cos he was absent a lot, he couldn't get out of bed to his mental health but do u think any of his colleagues knew that? course not.
Depression is the hell inside of me and it eats me up daily :)
Selasa, 13 Februari 2018
!^%&^!#%^&!%#
Untuk semua rasa yang sudah saya lewati dibeberapa minggu kemarin, terimakasih.
Saya bahagia hari ini :)
Kamis, 08 Februari 2018
Thank u for being u :)
Hari ini gue kembali ke jakarta untuk mengurus pendaftaran gue dikampus baru, gue mengambil jurusan Jurnalis.
Setibanya di pasar senen, battre smartphone gue tinggal sekitar 22% dan gue belum pesan ojek online atau taksi online, saat itulah kesialan dan kesenangan gue terjadi secara bersamaan.
tiba-tiba siska menelfon gue, entah dia liat dimana jadwal tiba kereta yang gue naikin.
"Halo by, kon wes takan ta?" (by kamu sudah sampai kan?)
"iya nih sis, tapi lo ngapain telfon? emang gabisa entar aja ya? gue belum pesen ojek atau taksi sih"
"Halah kon, ndek stasiun iku akeh taksi lho by, munggaho bluebird wae wes" (Halah by, di stasiun itu banyak taksi, naik bluebird aja)
"ya oke, ada apa emang lo telfon?"
"kon kan sampek jam 9an, ojo lali golek sarapan kon. ojo koyok sadurung e gaperna sarapan, lek kon sakit piye?" (kamu nyampe kan jam 9pagi. jangan lupa cari sarapan dulu. jangan kek biasanya, gapernah sarapan. kalo kamu sakit gimana?)
"gini loh sis, kalo gue sakit kenapa emangnya? lo jangan egois. kalo ga ada orang sakit, dokter kerjanya apa? lo kan calon dokter. kalo ga ada orang-orang yang kayak gue, ntar lo ga ada kerjaan"
"Wah kenter kon, cangkem mu loh by. asal njeplak ae iku. woo tak tapok i mengko lek merene maneh, dokter iku wes disumpah. kerjo duduk karna duet, seng penting pasien sembuh" (Wah gila kamu by, mulut mu tuh asal nyerocos aja. tak gampar ntar kalo kamu kesini lagi, dokter tuh udah di sumpah, kerja bukan karena duit. yang penting pasien sembuh dulu)
"Yo. yo ntar gue cari sarapan dulu, ga ada tukang somay jam segini, gue jadi berasa kayak punya dokter pribadi ya? hahaha. gue perlu gaji lo ga?"
"lho, anggap ae aku iki dokter pribadi kon, kon kudu bayar aku. bayarane, jogoen parfum ku apik-apik, mbek kon ojo sampe lali maneh mbek aku" (Anggap aja aku dokter pribadimu, kamu harus bayar aku. bayaranya dengan jaga baik-baik parfum dari aku, dan jangan pernah lupain aku lagi)
"ya oke, bu dokter siska, udah dulu ya gue mau cari taksi abis itu cari makan"
"awas kon sampek ndak sarapan" (awas kamu sampai ga sarapan)
Tuuut tuuut tuuut.
entah kenapa, gue merasa senang ada yang perhatiin gue sampai seperti ini.
gue gamau GR, tapi gue senang. terimakasih ya sis karena sudah menjadi "lo" dan gue sangat-sangat bahagia bisa ketemu sama lo lagi, Hahaha. mungkin ini yang dimaksud "kita gapernah tau apa rencana Tuhan, setiap ada orang lain mengucapkan kata bye, akan ada orang baru yang mengucapkan kalimat Hi. dan semoga lo orang baru itu, semoga saja.
Setibanya di pasar senen, battre smartphone gue tinggal sekitar 22% dan gue belum pesan ojek online atau taksi online, saat itulah kesialan dan kesenangan gue terjadi secara bersamaan.
tiba-tiba siska menelfon gue, entah dia liat dimana jadwal tiba kereta yang gue naikin.
"Halo by, kon wes takan ta?" (by kamu sudah sampai kan?)
"iya nih sis, tapi lo ngapain telfon? emang gabisa entar aja ya? gue belum pesen ojek atau taksi sih"
"Halah kon, ndek stasiun iku akeh taksi lho by, munggaho bluebird wae wes" (Halah by, di stasiun itu banyak taksi, naik bluebird aja)
"ya oke, ada apa emang lo telfon?"
"kon kan sampek jam 9an, ojo lali golek sarapan kon. ojo koyok sadurung e gaperna sarapan, lek kon sakit piye?" (kamu nyampe kan jam 9pagi. jangan lupa cari sarapan dulu. jangan kek biasanya, gapernah sarapan. kalo kamu sakit gimana?)
"gini loh sis, kalo gue sakit kenapa emangnya? lo jangan egois. kalo ga ada orang sakit, dokter kerjanya apa? lo kan calon dokter. kalo ga ada orang-orang yang kayak gue, ntar lo ga ada kerjaan"
"Wah kenter kon, cangkem mu loh by. asal njeplak ae iku. woo tak tapok i mengko lek merene maneh, dokter iku wes disumpah. kerjo duduk karna duet, seng penting pasien sembuh" (Wah gila kamu by, mulut mu tuh asal nyerocos aja. tak gampar ntar kalo kamu kesini lagi, dokter tuh udah di sumpah, kerja bukan karena duit. yang penting pasien sembuh dulu)
"Yo. yo ntar gue cari sarapan dulu, ga ada tukang somay jam segini, gue jadi berasa kayak punya dokter pribadi ya? hahaha. gue perlu gaji lo ga?"
"lho, anggap ae aku iki dokter pribadi kon, kon kudu bayar aku. bayarane, jogoen parfum ku apik-apik, mbek kon ojo sampe lali maneh mbek aku" (Anggap aja aku dokter pribadimu, kamu harus bayar aku. bayaranya dengan jaga baik-baik parfum dari aku, dan jangan pernah lupain aku lagi)
"ya oke, bu dokter siska, udah dulu ya gue mau cari taksi abis itu cari makan"
"awas kon sampek ndak sarapan" (awas kamu sampai ga sarapan)
Tuuut tuuut tuuut.
entah kenapa, gue merasa senang ada yang perhatiin gue sampai seperti ini.
gue gamau GR, tapi gue senang. terimakasih ya sis karena sudah menjadi "lo" dan gue sangat-sangat bahagia bisa ketemu sama lo lagi, Hahaha. mungkin ini yang dimaksud "kita gapernah tau apa rencana Tuhan, setiap ada orang lain mengucapkan kata bye, akan ada orang baru yang mengucapkan kalimat Hi. dan semoga lo orang baru itu, semoga saja.
Senin, 05 Februari 2018
"Sadnite" with Siska
gue yang main piano, siska yang nyanyi. jelek? bodo amat. karena memang niatnya buat seru-seruan aja Hahahaha.
Makasih ya Sis, untuk semalam. untuk semua nasehat yang lo berikan
untuk semua kesenangan yang gue rasakan.
Karena, tadi malam lo benar-benar membuat gue melupakan Jesseh untuk sesaat.
Sabtu, 03 Februari 2018
WoW
bermula ketika kami lagi asik2 chatting di aplikasi WA.
lalu, entah siapa yang memulai pembicaraan tentang lagu.
gue bilang
"lo jangan sampe nyanyi deh, soalnya yang ada lo ngerusak karya"
lalu siska menjawab.
"Ih, enak aja. nih dengerin nih"
gue lalu membalas chat tersebut
"jangan sis, jangan please. gue lagi broke, yang ada tambah terpuruk kalo denger lo nyanyi"
tiba-tiba siska mengirim sebuah video, dan yaps..
dia mengcover lagu dari Shawn Mendes - Treat you Better.
gue sengaja edit lagi video tsb, untuk ngilangin muka doi. karena gue gamau muka doi sampe tersebar. Hahahaha
lalu, entah siapa yang memulai pembicaraan tentang lagu.
gue bilang
"lo jangan sampe nyanyi deh, soalnya yang ada lo ngerusak karya"
lalu siska menjawab.
"Ih, enak aja. nih dengerin nih"
gue lalu membalas chat tersebut
"jangan sis, jangan please. gue lagi broke, yang ada tambah terpuruk kalo denger lo nyanyi"
tiba-tiba siska mengirim sebuah video, dan yaps..
dia mengcover lagu dari Shawn Mendes - Treat you Better.
gue sengaja edit lagi video tsb, untuk ngilangin muka doi. karena gue gamau muka doi sampe tersebar. Hahahaha
Kenapa harus pas banget lo cover di Reff nya sih sis? lo mau nyindir keadaan gue ya? brengsek juga.
Jumat, 02 Februari 2018
Random Writing.
Why didn't u call?
I mean.. did i not deserve anymore explanation? don't u think u owed me that?
and what? u think it was easy for me without u?
u thought that every single day wasn't..
a GODDMANN marathon of my life without u?
I was alone, and i had no idea what i was doing!
Just tell me. what u want from me, coz..
I mean, u want me to quit?
is that it?
coz i don't know how we got here.
I don't know what happened
I mean... i had a plan
I had a plan.. but now i don't.
and i have no idea what to do
I don't know what to do. and i just..
all i know is want to stay here.
I just want to stay right here. with u as long as i possibly can.
you're just all that matters.
Ok? you're all that matters to me.
and i'm trying to figure out what the right thing is to do..
and i don't know what that is.
I don't have any freaking idea how to get there.
I just have to say something.
bcz what I'm about to say is..
is probably the most selfish thing i've never said in my life.
u just need to hear it
i love you.
and it's bcz i love u that...
i can't be selfish with u
I don't deserve you :)
Kamis, 01 Februari 2018
nah?
Tell me it isn't true, please? tell me I heard wrong. but, its true. I hate myself for it. it was a mistake, it was a mistake, it meant nothing. it meant nothing? God! that almost makes it worse. does it ever mean anything to u? yes. yes it does with u :) how the hell am I supposed to believe that? bcz it's true, and u know i love u :) but, u have no clue, what love is.. u have no idea what it actually means to love another person, bcz when u do, u would rather die.. than hurt them :) I'm sorry, i love u.. i love u.. but u are not love me. yes, u have no idea how much i love u.. but that's something I'm going to have to get over. if u apologise, I'm gonna feel like a jerk for not forgiving u, and then if I do forgive u.. you're just.. just gonna break me heart all over again and I can't handle that, either way, I lose.
I just.. I need... I need to NOTHING you, I need to feel nothing for u, I need to not think about u, I need to not care about u at all. but I don't know how to do that :) u know, u once told me that i had the power to destroy u. it was u, you're the one that destroy people. I wish i'd never met u :)
I just.. I need... I need to NOTHING you, I need to feel nothing for u, I need to not think about u, I need to not care about u at all. but I don't know how to do that :) u know, u once told me that i had the power to destroy u. it was u, you're the one that destroy people. I wish i'd never met u :)