*Sick Boy*

It's not that I dont want to be happy. It's a despite, how hard I try I can't bring myself to be happy.
I feel, suffocated,embarassed,ashamed, why did I have to be this way?
I've great friends, amazing couple. good academic results. on paper everything is okay.
Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey. It's like there's burden on me, pulling me to the ground. and however hard you try you can't bring myself out. I can't bring myself to care about anything, not me not him not her, living has become the constant nightmare, and it's just not fair.
society will tell me to try playing a game, go for a walk, listen to meditation. I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or meditation. It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life, my work, my relationship, my education. and to this day, despite my best efforts to explain. I am always met with blind hesitation.
Junia ask me "why are you always so sad?" I tell her I don't know, I don't know.
what I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolutely shit, and that's become my norm.
I'm afraid of the world, I am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control.
Where's the fairness of it all? do u think I like to watch myself fall? in this hole of self hate, shame and loathe? so I hide them. and I put up a wall. That's so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws. I create this character and he is perfect, he is invincible.
and so I carry on live these 2 lives. 1 for the public, and 1 just for me late at night.
Cos that's easier than admitting u have a problem, and that's the problem.
The stigma is real people, and it will not go away until we realise that mental health is a big deal.
It's a hidden disease that's affecting to many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries.
It's a kid that never speaks, or the guy who's always tired, the woman who's too emotional, the guy who just got fired. cos he was absent a lot, he couldn't get out of bed to his mental health but do u think any of his colleagues knew that? course not.
Depression is the hell inside of me and it eats me up daily :)