why is this so hard? hahah, this is so sick. like why is this so hard just say it.
I'm not doing great, in fact I can't remember the last time I felt this bad.
I think I'm having, I think I'm going through why is this so hard.
I think I'm going through another depressive episode, why am i getting so emotional?
like nothing is happened. literally overnight, I went from being completly fine to feeling.
REALLY REALLY REALLY LOW.
Out of nowhere, and.. I it's not I'm not sad. I know it's not just being sad, bcz..
coz nothing in my life, has happened for me to be sad.
like.. my life is good, nothing bad has happened, there's nothing that's changed, in the last 2 days
That's caused me to feel this way, and I recognize these feelings, these feelings are the feelings I had when back when i was really.. really depressed, and it scares me.
and I always there was always that fear in the back of my head, that would it come back.
but, I guess I just wasn't prepared for it, I don't feel good about myself.
I feel really unconfident.. Let's say emmm, i dont wanna show myself to the world :)
It's almost like a switch has gone off in my head. and.. it's just.. i think so low about myself,
and I don't know where it comes from. and I know it's just in my head, and I know that I sound really crazy right now. but this is how I feel, like I'm always on the brink of crying.
I'm always really emotional. I DON'T KNOW WHY!! DON'T ASK ME JUN, PLEASE!!
Literally 3 days ago i was fine, and witch, makes me sound so crazy.
and the sad thing is.. I know exactly what I'm feeling, Cuz i've been through this before.
Uhh, if I need to fix this, I need to fix it myself for me, and I don't know how to do that.
Uhmm, you know I hear words in my social media chat sometimes like.."Oh! you're so inspirational"
"Oh! you're a good rolemodel" and I think that's why i make this article.
Because, as much as that is incredibly flattering and thankyou for feeling that way. Uhmm..
I can't help in my brain, read that. and feel pressure. I read that and I think "Okay, I need to be someone worth being a rolomodel" I need to be like up here, so that I can justify people feeling that way about me.
and sometimes I don't feel up here, sometimes I feel really down here. and i feel like i can't live up to that.. standart.. and I don't know what forcing me to be a certain way.. and that it's me there's putting that pressure on myself. but.. you know what I'm not.. Okay
I'm not doing great, and it sucks. i hate myself all the time.
you know what, this is the reality of having mental healt issues, this is how you feel sometimes
I don't even know what to say, other than.. this is how i feel right now and i don't feel very good.
I just feel like i wanna hide, I just wanna hide.
I want to stay in bed/sofa all day, and i wanna hide away from the world.
It's like.. this feeling, if i'm to describe this feeling, it's a.. it's like.. this.. sinking feeling inside
and it's just way me down. and it's just like this sad sinking feeling that eats away at you all day.
no matter what you do to distract yourself, the feeling always comes back. and it's just eats away of you. and makes you feel so.. small
A week ago i was this happy, confident, like i was so passionated, i was happy, i was loving life, and now it's just flipped. like that. and it's just controls your life like that. uhm.. and i realise when i'm saying that i sound crazy. cause if you don't have mental health issues you're not gonna get it and it does sounds crazy i know.. and i was not expecting like if you said a week ago i'd feel like this i would say. like i'd say no.
I don't know..
this is just like i'm just a mess.. okay
I think.. anyway I think i've done enough sad on blog. and I'm gonna go.
I don't know what the point of this article.
I'm so all over the place.. anyway Uhmm
Yep.. this is real life.. this is me being honest, and i'm probably gonna regret putting this on the internet, cuz what is on the internet is there for life..bu yeaa.. okay bye :)
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